What Everything is Like Now: 6 Months Postpartum

Feels intimidating to get the words out. How to describe it all. Labor, delivery, recovery. A newborn, a toddler. The family shift from 3 to 4. My new life, body, routine, priorities. A global pandemic. A worldwide shutdown. The Stay Home. Things are very, very different. And that is the whole point of life, I think. To be in continual change and evolution. Sometimes it feels deep and heavy and scary. And others light and fresh and easy. 6 months out and I’m feeling It All. If unfiltered life isn’t your thing, this post (and maybe all of them) probably not for you. Fair warning.

I’m writing this for myself as much as for anyone else who might be right where I am now. IN Motherhood. Feeling upside down and exactly where I’m meant to be all at once.
Mental + Spiritual Health (how I’m keeping my shit together): Pre-pandemic: a village. Seriously. If you’ve got a warm and loving heart and want to help someone, I am a lighthouse beckoning you to my shore. I’ve been shameless in this department. I’ve surrounded myself with incredible women who have helped me in every area of my life: helping me take care of my newborn baby, my toddler, house stuff, cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving, errands, planning, organizing, scheduling, all the doing that happens with life. I am a control freak and like to do it all. Aster’s arrival has cured me of that awful disease. It is liberating. Yes, basically everything is now happening a little differently than how I would do it, but (I’ve finally learned) who cares. It seems crazy that you add one tiny baby to the mix and your whole world just blows up. I miss my village in a huge way. But the days keep coming and I just keep moving forward moment by moment. And I’m meditating. I wasn't for awhile and started to feel moody, anxious and easily irritated. Since yoga classes and getting out of the house to clear my head have been off the table for 3+ months now (covid-19), I realized I had to focus on what I could do. Every night after both kids are in bed, I take a shower. Often it is my first one of the day. Immediately afterwards, clean and covered in lotions + potions, I sit down in a comfy chair in our room, set my iPhone timer for 10 minutes and close my eyes. I sit. And when I walk downstairs after a loooooong day for dinner and husband time and the last hour of the day before I crash, I am a calm human. I can tell a big difference when I’m meditating and when I’m not. And I’m writing. I’m doing this. I’m nurturing (even if it’s only for 5 minutes a day) a passion that is mine. That is outside of being a mom. This is huge for me. Whatever your thing is, keep doing it. Even on the days I don’t get to put any actual doing into my thing, I think about it and visualize and create in my mind. It does wonders.

Physical Health (exercising + eating + supplement taking):

Exercising: About 4 months postpartum I woke up one day and felt like moving my body. Like doing actual exercise with sneakers and weights and sweat. Up until that point, my whole day/night felt like a workout (which it was) just different. My first workout was a Tracy Anderson class at a pop up studio in Palm Beach. I was so excited to be working out, with my girlfriends and the physical/mental release felt amazing. It completely kicked my ass and was waaaayyyyy more than I should have done out of the postpartum gates. I could barely move for 2 days and my milk supply plummeted because of the physical shock/stress to my system. And then quarantine happened. I immediately signed up for all kinds of online/virtual memberships: Melissa Wood Health, Obe Fitness, Pvolve. And I did none of them. By the time I logged in/remembered my password, searched through all the options, found something I liked, and gathered my mat/water/weights, all the time I had to actually work out (20 minutes) was gone. What actually worked - contacting a local trainer who I saw my friends using on IG. I sent her a short message explaining my current status, she put together targeted workout videos that were between 4-17 minutes long (totally doable) and I actually did them. Think HIIT meets barre (the perfect marriage) and they leave me a sweaty, exhilarated mess. My goal is at least 3x/week. This is as much (or more) for my mental health as it is to look good naked.

Eating: I’m specific about what I eat 80% of the day. Newbornland is so intense. I found my eating routines helped to anchor me when everything else felt very chaotic/messy/unstructured. I’ve started my day the same way for years. I mix up Athletic Greens + water + lemon juice and take my vitamins. An hour or so later I drink a quickie blend of Ascent Vanilla Protein powder + this fiber + cinnamon + matcha + water + handful of ice cubes. This comes from the Tim Ferriss rule of eating 30g of protein within 30 minutes of rising. I notice a huge difference in my energy and eating habits when I make sure to get this in every day. For lunch (which I usually eat around 1pm): yogurt bowl, one bowl/salad or a smoothie with this protein powder to support my milk supply. Snacks? I’m not a huge snacker. I think it’s important to give your digestive system a rest between eating. But when I do: hard boiled egg with a few big glugs of high quality olive oil and pink Himalayan sea salt, Marcona almonds or a Fro Pro bar. When dinner rolls around, I eat whatever I want. Maybe its a burger and French fries. Pizza and salad. Sushi. Another salad or a smoothie. I almost always have a bite of dark chocolate smeared with peanut butter after dinner. Or a chocolate chip cookie from buccan sandwich shop (majorly addicted). Or my favorite coconut chocolate mouse (I always add a sprinkle of Maldon Sea Salt on top). The point is that I do not restrict myself. When I don’t put anything on the No No list I find that I actually eat healthier and more intuitively. I absolutely do not diet.

Supplements: I’m still taking my prenatal vitamins since I’m nursing, but I’ve added in some other stuff, too. Do what works best for YOU - supplements are personal, not a one size fits all thing. I’ve tweaked and experimented and listened to my body to get to where I am and what I take. Allow yourself the gift of doing the same. Try something, see if it works and then do you. My daily staples in addition to my prenatal packs: Thorne Meriva and Metagenics D3 + K . I also love the Solluna feel good detoxy (I take 3 capsules right before bed). I’ve had some postpartum issues with water retention/swelling in my lower legs/ankles (sexy, I know). Taking this on days when they feel really sucky has helped.

Body + Boobs + Vagina (nursing + healing): Jeesh, where do I begin. My first 6 week hit list: giant, engorged boobs, huge veins on my chest and boobs, night sweats that required me to change my pj’s and put towels over my sheets/get new blankets every single night (this was the worst), mesh undies/depends/pads/ice packs/tucks/dermaplast, postpartum leggings + belly wraps that helped me feel pulled in and contained because everything still felt (feels) very relaxed, constant thirst and hunger, fatigue, fear, joy, overwhelm. My physical body felt both strong and weak. I had quite a bit of stitching from natural tearing when Aster was born. When I got home from the hospital less than 48 hours later, there was no down time. At 4 years old, Sienna does not know the meaning of down time. I was on the floor playing trains (tenderly scooting around so I didn't tear my stitches while wearing depends), up in the morning (after not really ever going to bed, hello newbornland) for breakfast smoothies and drop off, afternoon pick-up and tennis lessons (in between nursing sessions). The Corona virus has ended all the running around. All the doing of life. Now we are all home, all day, everything together. This makes things both simpler and more difficult. I healed much quicker with this pregnancy. I was out of diapers after abut a week. I stopped bleeding sooner (2 weeks). And the miracle of all miracles, I wasn’t peeing my pants. I was prepared for so. much. physical. healing. since that was my first experience. I was scared of it, actually. Right now, 6 months out, my pelvic floor still doesn't feel tight, but it feels strong. Not like it’s going to fall out of my body. I’m not ready for jumping jacks but I’m not wearing a diaper or scheduling surgery (which I was certain I would have to do). My boobs feel very utilitarian. Aster nurses 4-5x/day and I pump 1-2x/day. My body and all its parts feel more beautiful than ever because it feels superhuman to make, birth and grow your baby. Right now my whole being is a vessel for caring for, feeding, carrying and loving children. I’ve handed it over (temporarily) and rather than fight against this I’ve embraced it (most days). Doing so has been easier because I do not have life pulling at me. I am home. There is no where to go, nothing to schedule, plan, organize. In this season of my life, to be honest, I’m grateful that I don’t have to decide between going out to dinner or staying home with my babes. I am right where I need to be.

Sleep: The most important thing on my self care list. I am a sleep drill sergeant. I had a baby nurse (same one I used for Sienna. Like having my quietly wise and strong grandmother right beside me during a time that feels held in space, outside of “normal life”. More than anything I think she saved me from the depths of isolation and the mental breakdown that can come with lack of sleep, food and routine). I had her for 6 weeks. This helped a ton in the sleep department. I know this is a huge luxury. I am extremely grateful. But I was (still am) solely breastfeeding so while I could “sleep” in my own bed, I was up every 1.5-2 hours all night long. Those first 6 weeks are gnarly. The list of WTF is happening to my body/brain/life is loooooong. I cried when she left. We all did. Sienna was hit yet again by the reality that Aster was ours. Her sister. Here to stay. Since the baby nurse was leaving she thought the baby goes with her. Aster was much more approachable when she was being held by the baby nurse. When she’s in my arms, not so much. Jealousy rears. Okay, back to sleep, sorry. Baby nurse leaves, Aster is 6 weeks old. I move into the nursery for nights. I sleep like an undetonated bomb. Ready at all times to explode with adrenaline and awakeness to care for either of the small people sleeping just a few feet away from me (Sienna’s room was right next door). Ready for newborn I’m hungry crying, a wet bed, a bad dream, a desperate middle of the night Mom snuggle. Ready for someone to need something. After 6 weeks of being up around the clock, the adrenaline/hormone rush has started to subside and now I am just tired AF. I had to dig deep to not undo all the sleep training progress we had made. I had to use my tools to get Aster through longer stretches of sleep- shushing until my lips were chapped, gentle hand on the belly/side/back, holding the pacifier in her mouth while I rested my forehead on the side railing of her crib, music, wind machines, patience. Any tool but the boob. Which is like telling a hungry lion to not eat the hunk of meat that just landed in their cage. Basically, impossible. So, yes, of course some nights I totally caved. Babies smell their mothers and hunt until they find what they are looking for. It’s such a primal, cellular thing. But I would quickly get back on track because I knew that it worked. I had done it with Sienna and she is a dream sleeper (thank you God). But it is f*ing work. Three weeks later Aster was doing it. I was nursing her at 7pm and she was in her crib by 7:30ish and up for the day at 7:30am. No feedings, diaper changes, soothing sessions. We had found the sleeping sweet spot. Of course this will change with growth spurts and more awareness of the world as she grows, but for now, for now, I am just so f*ing thrilled. I really, really try to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night. Lights out by 9:30/10a, up at 6a. At this stage in the game I am not having bedtime sex, watching a riveting series, reading or scrolling my phone. I am OUT.

Stress (the good kind, the bad kind, and how I handle it): The stress meter is way, way lower for me with Aster. As my second baby, I trust my gut more than round 1. I zoom out, take a step back, I’m more rational, less reactive and panicy. Baby acne, rash, huge milk spit ups, weight, poop, how much she is eating, should I do this or that?!, am I ever going to sleep again?, vaccines, what kind of schedule should she be on?, it all really rolls off me now. I don’t even give it energy because now I know. It’s impossible to go through first time motherhood stress twice. Like, it’s so intense I don’t think I could physically, emotionally or psychologically survive it a second time. God knows this. Being responsible for people you love more than your own life is stressful. It’s the good kind, but still. It can feel very heavy for me some days. Anxiety inducing. The love is so BIG that the bigness of it is terrifying. And more fulfilling than anything else in the world. It’s f*cked up to feel these conflicting emotions all at once, 24/7. And 4 months postpartum, covid-19 entered our world. A global pandemic/shutdown is hard core stress. I don’t have any answers except to focus on the Now. What is right in front of me, what I can control. I am trying hard to maintain some sort of routine and keep the structure of healthy routines. Sleep, food, moving my body, staying connected with friends + family virtually, being present for my children and my husband. Not watching the news, staying off the internet/Google rabbit hole. Limiting negative/toxic energy. This has been difficult. I’ve reached for wine, chocolate cake and Netflix at the end of the day rather than a salad, a good book or cuddles and conversation with my husband. I zone out rather than look inward. One moment at a time, it is all any of us can do right now. I have to remind myself a thousand times a day. My usual go-to’s to stay humming calmly and patiently with life: meditation, yoga, getting lost in a book, extra sleep, clean food. They have been (temporarily) abandoned. No, I don't feel my best. But after some years of livin’ I know that this, too, shall pass. I will recalibrate. Right now it’s messy and raw. I’m being with it rather than being pissed at it.

Self Care (the struggle is real): I could leave this section out entirely because self care has not yet made it back on the radar. Not in the traditional sense of getting a hair cut, going to yoga or even taking an afternoon to myself. The exact same time I felt ready to re-enter the world, the world shut down. It literally became (basically) illegal and life threatening to leave your house. WTF. To say we have all had to pivot in every area of our lives is an understatement. For now, doing the every day things of my life from laundry and cooking to showering and eating a meal, I make them an act of self care. I do them completely and mindfully. I am not busy. I am slow and intentional. I play endlessly with my kids. We swim, play dress up and 100 games of twister. We read extra books at bedtime and stay in our pj’s longer. I put my phone in a drawer and forget about it (my mom texts me are you okay? I’m worried. I am not a slave to responding to every ping. I do not want my kids to see the phone as an extension of my hand. As a physical barrier between me + them). All free things, and it might be the best self care I’ve ever had in a twisted kind of way. I have reframed what self care looks like. It looks like letting go, loving on my tribe, embracing play and chaos and unsettled-ness. It is a tremendous relief.

I could add in so many other topics here - mom life / life outside of mom life (What?! that’s a thing?), all things newborn, the world of a toddler, sisterhood, partnership, marriage, home life. But that is too much. It’s my nature to take it All On simultaneously. To Multi-Task (because that’s what our culture tells us we are supposed to be doing and be able to do successfully) rather than Single-Task. I’ve got to call a huge BS to this. When I get micro-focused and commit to an important thing I want to do, I am efficient, clear and successful. I accomplish the thing and it feels great. When I try to do multiple things and have a long To Do List, I do each thing a little bit, with little joy or fulfillment and I never officially complete any of it. It does not feel good. I have learned that being a happy, patient, present Human requires me to single task. EVERYTHING in life is asking us for this. I return to it so often, this simple, powerful universal truth of clear, focused energy on one thing at a time.