I wrote this when Sienna was 4 weeks young. I’ve left it unchanged. It was exactly who I was at that time and I want to hold space and truth for that girl. That girl becoming a Mother. It is Sienna’s birth story as much as it is mine.
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As I sit to write this Aster is 13 days young. She is fresh and new and magical. And so am I. I’ve now experienced making, growing and birthing two tiny humans. I can say with certainty that as I bring a child into this world I also bring a new version of myself. The experience is transforming on every level - it rocks my physical, emotional and spiritual self to the core.
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Ohhhhhh the home stretch. So close and so far away. I simultaneously wanted baby to stay in (forever) and come out (immediately). I flexed between these two extremes for three months. This pregnancy was so hard fought and I willed myself to remember that every time I peed my pants, iced my lower back or went to bed in tears at 8pm after eating my 7th peanut butter and banana toast of the day.
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My Second Trimester spread over the May-June-July months. Mother’s Day, the end of school and the beginning of the 100 Day Weekend (aka: summer) and making sure this baby was TLC’ed up and growing healthy + strong. And that I was taking care of me, too.
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Your first trimester begins on the first day of your last period and lasts until the end of Week 12. My CD 1 was January 29, 2019. I started my period hours after receiving the phone call that our IUI that month didn’t work (link). Or rather, it didn’t have the end result that I was hoping for.
Yesterday was a huge day. I am still processing. To know that our little angel baby is back inside my body, exactly where it is meant to be, floods me with feelings of peace. To know that our little angel baby is back inside my body, exactly where it is meant to be, floods me with feelings of peace. At the same time, my brain is cycling through thoughts of what can I be doing to make sure this works and how am I going to survive the next 10 days?.
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I really needed good news today. My last few Dr’s appointments had me in face contortions attempting to hold back the flood of tears that puddled in my eyes. I made it through check-out & scheduling but as soon as I turned the doorknob out of the office the levee broke and the tears poured out. Days like those are hard. So when good days happen and happy news is received, celebration is mandatory.
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I had my information session (aka: what is Plan B if Plan A doesn’t work) with my Baby Making Dr yesterday. It was rough. As I sat in the office, I felt sick to my stomach. These science-meets-real-life moments are so complex. Numbers, data, and results collide with emotions and humanness. My other half left 15 minutes in because the stress was literally consuming him. He started to sweat and fidget and bolted for the door. I sat and listened and cried. This month (February 2019) marks one year since we enlisted help from the professionals. We want to grow our family. We want another baby.
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