Have You Ever Felt Lost In Motherhood? Me, Too.
I just got home from dropping Sienna off at school. Kindergarten, Day 1. It is surreal to have her somewhere else besides next to me. The past 6 months our family unit has functioned as One. Together. Connected. Feels sort of like a limb is missing. But oh yes we needed this moment. She needs it. I most definitely need it. I cried at drop off. Sienna threw on her backpack, gave me hugs + kisses + I love you’s and hopped out of the car. Pink puppy mask and all. There she went. Off I drove. Alone in the car. So f*ing strange.
I’m sitting with a hot cup of coffee, by myself, on the floor of what will one day be our den/office (we moved in July). Where I will have a chair. A desk. A door that closes. Right now I’ve turned over a storage basket for my desk and I’m sitting on a random carpet sample I found in my “no” pile. And it all feels like heaven. Because I’m here. Writing, getting the stuff on the inside out. I haven’t been successful at accomplishing this in forever. But no use focusing on that. I’m here now.
Grateful that my family is healthy and safe. That we love each other and (still) want to spent time together even after quarantine. But I feel weary. Off. A little lost. A big, “now what?” No sh*t, right? Don’t we all. I can’t quite figure out how to fill my tank. How to establish a rhythm in this season of my life.
I’m not sure why being a Mom and a Wife and taking care of my family doesn’t feel like I am living out all the parts of me. I guess that’s it. Those things are part of me but not all of me. Just because I am a Mother doesn’t mean I disappear. My passions. The bigness inside of me, inside each of us. That feeling when you know you have more to bring forth but can’t quite put your finger on exactly what that is? It feels scary and intimidating to try and find out. I’m asking myself bigger questions. Not in the “I want to find an answer” sort of way, but with a greater awareness for my life outside of the moment to moment stuff. Just trying to sift through the feelings. It feels overwhelming, but truthful. Real.
I know I want to do this. To write. And let the words and truths of my world find other worlds. Other people and communities and how other people “out there” are doing life. My only plan is to be honest. With myself and every word I write. And it makes things feel more concrete, stable, trustworthy. When I write, things that were vague and messy in my head become clear and defined. And now It is tangible, something has been created, if only “on paper.” For me, it’s the most critical step in doing anything. Identifying it and writing it down. It’s like an automatic accountability partner. It makes stuff real.
And while I am trying to figure out my life outside of Motherhood, I read these words the other day. And then I started questioning things all over again. I am writing to sift through the thoughts and feelings that come up for me as I try to find a foot in both worlds. The world of caring for and raising my family and myself. Not an Or but an And.
The most important work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own home.
I agree with it these words wholeheartedly. But there’s more to the story. While it is the most important work, it’s not the only work. We are complex and dimensional. Being a Mom is a prism, we absorb everything, all the light and dark and gray and it comes pouring out of us in a million different technicolor ways. The wheel needs many spokes to make it work, humming round and round. I want to teach my daughters that just because they become all the things of life (motherhood in particular) does not mean they disappear. And the only way to teach is to show, to model, to live it myself. Whatever lights them on fire is still there no matter what hats you pile on top of it.
That’s what I needed to work out. Those things inside of me that feel buried. These words are helping me un-bury the layers that have built up on top of the Me that has gotten lost. Giving some oxygen to the other parts of who I am.