sleep-away camp & scones

It’s late. Way past my bedtime. But I have to get it down. I think it’s the only way I’ll be able to sleep.

I come here. To this little portal of words. My therapist’s couch, my processing place. To work through the big and small. To make sense of, to piece together, all the gifts that are nestled inside all the feels.

Today was a big one. I thought I was ready for it.

Like a lot of things related to being a parent, I was wrong. I was not ready. At all.

Today we watched our first born step out into the “world” (errr, sleep away camp bubble) without us.

We’d been preparing for this all year! How could I not be ready? Because my entire focus was on getting her ready. Getting me ready? Never crossed my mind.

We spent the lead up 6 months writing penpals, practicing all the skills without help: showering (all the conditioner never really comes out), picking out clothes, getting dressed, choosing good foods, making the bed, being a good human out in the world without mom, dad, sister. Which up until now, has been how her life has been defined. In relation to us. And, from the moment I knew she was growing inside me, how mine was defined, too. In relation to her.

Rewind to last summer. We planned a family vacation around visiting future/potential/maybe-we-are-going-to-do-it summer sleepaway camps.

They lived all along the same tucked away road in North Carolina, winding through sleepy towns and hugged by mother natures tree swept mountains.

When our itinerary led us to Camp Greystone, I had no idea that the white knuckled, 2 hour, prayer-filled drive from High Hampton (thank you husband) would land us at the gates of a place that was about to change our lives.

Magical. A fairytale. Too good to be true. From a painting, a storybook. A place you create in your dreams.

That was what we had stepped into.

Visiting Camp Greystone, Summer 2022

On that day, we toured the Greystone grounds wide-eyed and playfully. Petting dogs and horses, exploring cabin life, the dining hall. Watching kids at play. Carefree. Held in the warm embrace and soft landing of community, ritual, history, leadership and love. And at the center of it all, God. A life according to his plan, his design.

Camp Greystone, Drop-off Day, July 2023

But today was different. Today was the day we watched our oldest (8) take those first steps away from us.

The day was that perfect not cold/not hot sorta day. Sparkling sun, big blue sky. Trees and mountains wrapped all around you. When we drove through the gates today there were banners blowing, horns honking, smiling faces and hands waving. We’re so glad you’re here! Welcome to Greystone!

We followed the car path and pulled in line behind a few other cars, lane 3, paitiently waiting our turn.

Sienna’s eyes were wide and she was silent. Motionless. My constantly talking/singing/moving daughter had turned momentarily into a different person. One having a new life experience. At that moment, she realized this was something big.

It was our turn. We pulled up, got out and wrapped our arms around each other. Counselors and young ladies surrounded us with welcomes and smiles and comfort.

You’re in TL 7, you’re an odd! Here’s your leader, she’ll take you to your cabin.

I love you Sienna. I squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes. We took a photo. Dad said his goodbyes with sunglasses on to hide teary eyes.

And just like that, in a blink she was walking away from us. Towards a new experience that would shape her in ways not possible at home, with us. Change of place, change of pace, change of heart.

We pulled away, all in tears except for Aster who was ready to resume her Paw Patrol episode. Kids know. She knew, at 3, that sissy was doing something very cool. And one day, she would too.

As we drove up the hill towards the exit there was a final parent check point. We rolled down the window, saw more smiling faces that handed me a folder with “everything I would need to know” for the next 10 days. I was barely holding it together at this point, and these smiling faces knew it. I handed them the ziplock bag of pre-written letters (snail mail getting here on time is not to be trusted) and in their place they handed me a bag of warm blueberry scones and words like she’s going to love it and this will be the best experience of her summer and carbs help!

Indeed they did. I stuffed that homemade, doughy, warm goodness in my mouth almost immediately.

And they were right. I felt better. In that moment, driving away from the girl who made me a momma, I felt a euphoria I can only compare to the day she arrived into this world. That both of us had been birthed into the next level versions of ourselves. That we are connected at a level that surpasses this material, physical plane.

Love. Love. Love. That is where we meet.

I didn't expect any of this to come to the surface via camp drop-off day. That’s how life works, it shows us big things through the small.

I should be in bed. I’m that weird combination of exhausted and exhilarated.

One more thing to do. Check the Greystone app, see if they’ve uploaded any pictures.

A few clicks and her face fills the screen. Smiling, shining, and looking just like I feel. Exhausted and exhilarated.

My tears have arrived fully now. I let them come. They are the deep therapeutic kind. Love. It fills me from my bones.

Signing off a very proud momma with a bursting heart.