My Baby Is One

Aster is One. A big milestone. For her. For me. For all of us. Constant change and growth and evolution. I am repeatedly humbled by the process of raising children while simultaneously trying to raise myself. To keep learning about life and how I can do it better. What do I want to model for my children? Patience, love, kindness, calm, ease, joy, freedom, self-love. A life of service and faith. Of commitment, honesty and purpose. Of Fun. All the things I’m (still) trying to manage in my daily choices and life. I know there is no end game to this. It lasts forever, until your last breath. Small task, ayyy? Some days it terrifies me. Others it empowers.

This is the first time I’ve felt called to sit down and write in a minute. The first time I’ve been awake at 9:17pm in awhile. I’m just so. freaking. tired. I hate how lame and boring that sounds. That’s not how I mean it. Sigh. I’ve got a lot of hats on these days. We all do. The days come at me rapid fire. I wake up thinking did the night even happen? Especially since 2020 quarantine/pandemic life is very Groundhog Day. Rinse and repeat repeat repeat repeat.

But 2020 has had so many wins for us. I am grateful for it. It is our first full year as a family of four. We said good bye to the home that has carried us through so many huge life things: meeting each other, dating, moving in together, following passions, failing at stuff, succeeding at others, making + growing + raising our babies, discovering who we are. I love(d) that house. But we were ready for the next part. The next season of our lives. And our new home is the perfect fit. From the first night we slept here (July) it felt like home. Mattresses on floors and all. Our restaurant babies have pivoted and changed in ways we never would have if not for 2020. We spent lotsa lotsa lotsa (mostly) quality time together. Without visitors or rushing or running around. Things were slow and simple. We cooked and played. Took long walks and stayed in our pjs all day. We swam so much our hair turned green. I started meditating regularly again. I realized self care was something that came from the inside out. I got to be fully, uninterruptedly (yikes!) immersed in Motherhood with my new baby and my big one. Talk about a major learning experience. Holy jeesh. But I did it. We did it. Me and my tribe.

So, yes, Aster turning One is big in all the ways it should be and then some. I still remember every detail of the day she was born. That day and the day of Sienna’s birth are the only 2 days in my entire life that I remember start to finish. Smells, feelings, the day of the week, what time it was, what I ate, the joy and the pain. Everything.

Prejudice for sure, but Aster is a dream baby. All happy and smiles and wiggles. She loves to dance and cuddle and burrow and snuggle and talk and scream. She is wild and free and beautiful. She is finding herself a little more each day. She has started to hyperventilate and power crawl at the sight of me. I love it. She cannot be stopped until her little body reaches me and climbs on me right up to my face where she touches and kisses and smiles deep joy at getting what she wants. Me. It’s just everything. She will stand up on her knees and throw her arms in the air with excitement when I walk in the door. Then she barrels across the floor until she reaches me. We are both obsessed. I bury my face into her little body and breathe her in. Deep and long and purposeful.

My inclination is to say that I get little done throughout the day because I am raising my baby. Giving her attention and being present. Putting my phone away. Not multi-tasking. I know this is the opposite of getting nothing done - it is doing the most important work of my life. She is opening every cupboard and pulling out every book/toy that happens to be in it. We put it away and then do it again. She pushes the button on the singing Santa, listens, dances, smiles. Then she does it again. She uses everything as a walker. She pushes boxes/toys without wheels/ottomans - anything that she can move and walk behind. All day. Then we put it back and do it again. I make a thousand water bottles and straw cups and food pouches and cut food into tiny pieces. Change diapers and do laundry and cook (so much cooking!). And the dishes. Oh my the dishes. Wipe faces and booties and change dirty outfits and read books and cut food into tiny pieces again and again and again. Round and round it goes. And she teaches me (much more) than I am teaching her. Aster’s top lessons: have more fun in the everyday moments (yay! let’s make a mess), laugh deep and often, kiss and hug and cuddle the people you love as often as possible, enjoy your food, don’t worry about small things (like messy hair, dirty clothes or skipped naps), simple is good (not boring), you need so much less than you think to be happy.

I remember what it took to get her here. To get pregnant. To grow and nurture her on the inside and now on the outside. I never forget that God gave me something extra to keep going and trusting and believing that she was out there waiting for us. I remember that it took a village. And now it takes a village to raise her. It has been a huge lesson for me. Reach out for support, help, camaraderie, laughter, conversation. It makes life work better. And when I connect with people in my real life, through social media or these words, my life gets bigger and richer and fuller. Thank you for receiving my story, my life and words into yours. Know that your story, your life, is so, so important. Share it. It will make a difference to someone else out there. And to you, too.