Calling All Zombie Mommies: I Feel You
I’m sleeping more at night. Making a huge difference. I don’t feel like I’m bracing myself at every turn. My eyes don’t burn. I’m brushing my teeth, washing my face and applying my nightime skincare routine. I’m showering and putting on lotion. I even shaved my legs yesterday. I am feeling more human. Starting to do the things I previously did as habit, as non-negotiables. Until they became negotiable. When newbornland and toddlerhood and motherhood and wifedom and the holidays and a new decade all collided into each other at once.
That is not a blink. It is a micro nap.
After I put Sienna to bed around 7pm I transition into Aster’s bedtime routine….the hum of wind machines and dim lights and glowing baby monitors and sleepiness wraps us all up. Mostly the actual bedtime is peaceful. The few hours before that can be dicey. Sienna is full of hugs and kisses and sweet prayers. We share books and snuggles and our favorite part of the day and what we are excited about for tomorrow. We brush teeth, potty. What parent actually enjoys getting a sleepy/end of day toddler to brush their teeth and go to the bathroom? ( I loathe). I use all the techniques. I brush with her. We choose a song and play it for 2 minutes while we brush (she never brushes for 2 minutes). I make-up a story about a green-toothed bunny that couldn’t eat carrots anymore because she didn’t brush her teeth. My brain hurts.
All of the photos above accurately capture my life right now. I’ve got babes on me at every moment. And I don’t have a shirt on for at least 70% of the day (nursing). I’m still wearing postpartum hold-me-in yoga pants because that small person in my arms just came out of my body.
Aster is 9 weeks old. I’m still sleeping in her nursery but she has been sleeping solidly without waking up and needing to be soothed for a handful of days now. She dropped all her night feedings around 7 weeks. This is early, so I’m still pumping every night around 1:30/2am. My boobs are so engorged it wakes me up. For the past 2 weeks she was waking up around 4:30/5am and needed soothed back to sleep. Firm hand on the tummy, shushing, pacifier (which she usually refuses), turning on music - I’ve been using it all to help her get back to sleep. Everything but the boob. Which is the hardest thing since I know if I just fed her a little bit she would go back to sleep and then I could squeeze in a glorious 30 more minutes until I had to get up and get things ready for Sienna. But then she would start to drift off schedule. I would be training her to wake-up and eat at 4:30am rather than 7am. So I stand at her crib with my forehead on the side rail shushing and holding the pacifier in her mouth and hand on the tummy. I’m all sorts of tired. But I know it is so worth it. The sleep training. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel because this is round 2 but it is still So. Hard.
But tonight, I think she is ready. And I am definitely ready. I miss my bed. I miss my husband. Her monitor will hum on my nightstand and I will likely wake up hourly to check on her. Sleeping in my own bed again, small step, huge deal.
21 January 2020
I have successfully slept in my own bed for the past 7 days. This is so huge. No crying/no feeding/no diaper changes. I’m still getting up for the middle of the night pump and it’s *crushing* me. I’ll sleep from 9:30pm - 1:30am, pump, then another sleep from 2:30-5:30am. It’s good, but definitely not sustainable. I’ve got to deal and change something but I don’t have the bandwidth to figure it out right now. Anyway.
This morning I went to my first yoga class since Aster’s birth. To say it felt like a rebirth is not an exaggeration. To move and breathe and be alone on my mat with myself -- all the money in the world could not buy better therapy. It was cathartic, healing, energizing. It fully reset my brain and my body.
27 February 2020
It’s 12:50pm and I just sat down at my computer/makeshift folding desk from amazon with a mug of Mother’s Milk tea and a yogurt bowl. I’m eating and trying to type. Trying to spend a few minutes getting all the stuff on the inside out. My therapy. It is tough. I’ve been up since 5:30am. Almost 7.5 hours later and this is my first Me moment. Sienna’s pick up is at 2:45pm and Aster needs to be fed at 3pm. This is it. An hour and a half.
Do I spend it writing? Numbing out on Instagram? Grocery shopping on instacart? Signing Sienna up for summer camp? Oh, and I know we are out of shampoo + conditioner. The special kind that I need to get for Sienna’s curls. And what are we going to have for dinner? I need to get baby gifts for friends. . And a birthday present for another friend. I think we might be running low on diapers and wipes, too. Is Aster due for an immunization shot this week? Which one? I better do some research on that. And our house is on the market - can we show it tonight at 5pm? Is Sienna’s tennis dress clean for her lesson this afternoon -- she’s outgrown them all it’s the only one that fits her. I have got to deal with spring break. 2 weeks no school. Yikes. Aster sneezed a lot this morning. I need to get a humidifier for her room. Does it take distilled water? I’ll have to get some. And I’ve got to get the babysitter her schedule. Did I pay her last weeK?
And this is how my tiny sliver of time evaporates. Some days I get so jammed up about how little time I have to accomplish all the things that I spin my wheels and absolutely nothing happens. Zero. Today feels like one of those days.
Right now I’m getting overwhelmed by the things I need to be doing so I feel like making banana bread. Or doing laundry. Just push it off for a bit. Then I’ll look at Instagram to distract myself even more. I’ll see a contemporary with twice as many kids as me and she’s nailing the wife/mother/professional thing. Dressed in actual clothes (not workout clothes with spit up and a messy bun a la moi), hair is washed and blown, good makeup. And she’s doing stuff. Building a business. Launching a podcast. Saving the world. I’m inspired. Then I’m devastated. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I get it together? I can’t even remember to order my kid hot lunch. F*ck. And then my time’s up. Buzzer goes off. Time to pick up Sienna and then feed Aster and then roll into play/dinner/bath/bed. My next Me Moment will be at 7:30pm-ish. When I’ve finished putting both girls to bed. I’ll shower, eat, clean up the kitchen, and pump right before I go to bed. I will be asleep by 9:30pm. Zombie Mommy.
The night will feel like it almost didn’t happen when my eyes pop open at 5:30am tomorrow morning. Game on. Every.Single Day.
I’m venting. I feel like I must be doing it wrong because it looks like everyone around me is crushing it from every angle. They’ve got it all pulled together. Now of course I know this is not true. We only see what people present to us. How they want to be seen in the world. We don’t go into each others homes and really seeeeee what’s happening. But I want you to see my world. Really see it. I don’t get how we are supposed to support each other and grow into our best selves and raise kids and have happy marriages/partnerships and be good humans if we are just faking it. If I am smiley and shiny all the time rather than showing both sides of the coin. The Light and the Dark. It is liberating to not pretend. Faking it or filtering things because it is not the societal norm to talk about the truth or the hard things we all experience. But when I get in the murkiness of my mind (like now…) I give myself to it for a bit/flush it out, but then I get over it. I get thankful. For being alive. For arms and legs and breath. For all the gifts life floods me with. Even the ones that aren’t wrapped exactly how I would like. Especially for those.